At the movies (for Carlos)

You get to the movie theater all excited about the brand new film you’re going to watch. The ticket line is long, but well worth it. The pop-corn line is even longer but the smell seduces you (or is it maybe too  buttery and intense?)

In any case, you get in early enough to get to your favorite seat (if seats are pre assigned, even better). The theater fills up in a matter of seconds and here we go. Tata!….previews.  Then, more previews. Finally the movie starts, the theater is in silence and… the person seating behind you has a  the feet against the back of your chair. You feel every movement and then discover with terror that the person is A SHAKER (see my previous post 11/15/10)

No way to change seats, the person behind is with a large group that outnumbers you and after all, you don’t like confrontations.

There goes your movie night. No refunds for annoyances….

Conveniences

Oh! I love conveniences. They’re so….convenient, right?

Since we don’t spend enough time in our cars we now use the ATM to deposit our checks from the comfort of our car and that’s great, as long as we’re the ones making lots of deposits.

God forbid you are second, or third, or worst in line to use the ATM for a short transaction when there is someone at the ATM depositing thousands of dollars in 25 dollar checks. Oh yeeeeez!

At the supermarket 2

Today is Christmas Eve day and I just came back from the supermarket. It’s chaos. It’s a driving/parking free for all and I don’t mean the parking lot.

I mean the “consumers” driving their carts.

Why is it that the car traffic rules don’t apply in the supermarket? Let’s take large family-3 kids-big-green-cart with children seats. They’re just enjoying the experience: Stopping in front of every product, discussing the pros and cons of each while the cart totally blocks the hallway. The kids run around the cart and the parents are oblivious of the rest of us, mortal “consumers” trying to complete the task we’re set to do…consume.

Beep, beep!

Another good business idea: illuminated stop signs at the end of each intersection awarding coupons to those who obey the rules…

I love Pavlov!
And Merry Christmas

Hand dryers (for Ramiro)

Thank God for air hand dryers. Do you also feel Ughhhh when you dry your hands with a wet towel (regardless of the previous user?)

Creepy crawlers hiding in it…?

The doorbell

We have a very nice sounding doorbell: ding dong….

The problem is that a member of the family presses it about ten times with an immense sense of urgency when he/she comes to visit. My stomach gets in a crunch every time. I’ve hinted that there is no need for it because we still hear well, but my mild complains get ignores. It happens again and again

The other issue is our UPS delivery person. She doesn’t ring the bell but knocks on the door with her strong arms and I feel like it is something urgent, that the house is on fire and I don’t know it.

Any suggestion?

The sock mystery

Does anyone know where do single disappearing socks go?

Here is a challenge: Throw five perfectly matching pairs of socks into the
washing machine. Add detergent, set the washing cycle, press the start button
and wait. After the wash is completed, go a retrieve the socks. Mysteriously
but positively there will be one sock missing. Now, where do they go?

In my sock drawer I have a compartment with a bunch of single socks tied

together waiting for the matching sock to materialize.

Wishful thinking?

I’ve heard that there is a sock-eating gnome in every home. Is he
the one that craps wire cloth hangers?

Let the cold fly

I’m seating having breakfast. Someone else comes in the kitchen, goes to the refrigerator, opens both doors to get something (let’s say eggs) and walks away toward the sink. The refrigerator doors are left open.

The boiled egg preparation starts. Here comes the pot, filled with water and on the stove it goes. The refrigerator is still open. It’s looking at me with an open chest!

Coffee preparation goes on. The minutes pass inexorably.

The cold, blue light from the fridge gives the semi dark kitchen an eerie glow. Tense, I start moving uncomfortably in my chair

Cups come out, plates and silverware. It’s still open.

I keep staring at the open fridge until it starts beeping: beep, beep, beep Still no reaction!

Finally I get up, walk to the fridge to close it but a firm voice alerts me: Don’t you see that I’m still using it? I stop dead in my tracks and go back to the breakfast table, my tail between my legs.

Last call

Put yourself in this situation. You have visitors in your home or you are a visitor in a home, for that matter. It is a very pleasant evening with wine and dinner. After dinner you feel the need to go to the bathroom (or to the “powder room” as they call it) for number two. After taking care of business you realize with terror that only two light squares of toilet paper remain on the cardboard roll. You look desperately around to find more but nothing is in sight. If you’re flexible enough and can take a peek into the cabinet under the sink without jeopardizing cleanliness, you find out to your dismay that there is not paper. PERIOD!

What to do? Who to call?

Any idea how to come out of the situation?

Toilet paper

Here is a poll. When you put a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom holder, do you:

a) Have the paper rolling from the front?

b) Have the paper rolling from the back?

c) Or you never thought about it (which means you don’t care)?

Well, my own answer is a) and it bothers me soooo much when somebody else -b) or c)- sets the paper differently, because I can’t find where it starts and I have to roll it back and forth, going over it with my finger nail until I find it. (*#.>&@)

Uns-table table (For Jaqui)

Having the fortune of living in Florida gives me the opportunity of eating “al fresco” very often. Many of the outdoor terraces have a great, inviting atmosphere with lots of foliage and weathered finishes. And many have pavers or rustic brick floors that work wonderful outdoors, except ….when you place tables and chairs on those uneven floors.

Have you tried to eat at one of those? Or sit on a chair that wobbles? Arrrgh!

I’ve used paper napkins, little branches or pebbles and other various items to stabilize them. Once you do, someone else at the table moves it accidentally and then you have to start doing it all over again.

Waiter, pleeeease!

In the supermarket (for Lisa)

I don’t mind going to the supermarket for a quick purchase, so I don’t have to take a cart and roll around the giant place. But it has happened to me (and to many of you, I’m sure) that when I do have to get a cart, it may be the one with the crooked wheel, or the noisy wheel, or the one with a mind of its own that doesn’t want to go to where I want to go.

If it’s the last one in the cart parking lot, I’m stock. If it’s the squeaky wheel one everybody will look at me like I’m the one who is making the noise (embarrassing). If it has a mind of its own I put a lot of effort into negotiating my way in the most inconspicuous way, so that it appears that I’m gliding effortlessly in the shiny supermarket.

After the shopping spree I end up with lower back pain from the effort. Ufffff!

Double the pleasure (for Ceci)

Some people love chewing gum. It freshens up your breath, allegedly cleans

your teeth, tastes good, etc. That’s all ok. The issue is when you share it.

No, I don’t mean the gum…blaghhh. I mean the noise of chewing it with an open
mouth.

Chum, chum, chum.

If you have a chewer in close proximity (we’ve all had that,haven’t we?)

the desperation increases as the chewer keeps his/her tempo, only
to brake it with the occasional POP! of a bubble.

Better yet if they make two bubbles at once and echo their own pop.

Shut your mouth!

It drives me crazy!

New set of eyes (for Jana)

Doesn’t it bother you that when you’re talking to some people they don’t look

at you in the eyes because they’re too busy looking down at their phones?

Here’s a solution. Paint a new set of open eyes on your upper eyelid.

That way you’ll never lose eye contact with your “collocutor”.

It could actually be a great business idea to develop them in a form of highly

flexible, skin friendly decal, so that you can apply them when you need them

(In such cases like in class, or in meetings while you doze off)

You could have a great selection of colors and ethnicities for your new eyes.

Business plan anyone?

A pinker shade of pale

A friend of mine mentioned something that happens in many a household:

Her husband reluctantly used to help with the laundry. Even though she had
thoroughly trained him to do the laundry separating colors (whites, darks,
mediums, etc.), and setting the appropriate water temperature, more often than
not a red sock mysteriously made its way into the white batch.

To her unpleasant surprise underwear, towels and sheets had (for
weeks) an indescribable Disney-esk shade of princes- pink.

I wonder why is it that her husband spends more time lately training the TV

remote control than before.

Was that done on purpose? Hmmmmm…

You’re doing what?

Driving on the highway at 70 mph (only 5 miles over the speed limit is ok, isn’t it?).

The Lexus in front of me is also driving sort of at the same speed. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Lexus slows down to ..hmmmm….50 mph.

What the hell? I decide to pass on the right (aren’t slow vehicles supposed to move

to the right, so that you pass on the left?). I look to my left to get a good impression

of Lexus-driver and to show “it” my precious finger to no avail. Lexus is completely

focus on looking down at the phone reading or answering a text message.

That’s why Lexus slowed down to a “safe” speed.

Now: if it’s a text, is not urgent. Otherwise they’d call, right?

Remember when there were no cell phones? Life hasn’t gotten more urgent, has it???

If you die, it’s not good for you

How about drugs commercials? Happiness is in slow motion: If you move at n o r m a l speed, it means that you’re not happy.

Here is a typical TV add: Beautiful smiling woman with flowing long hair jogs slowly (slow motion) in the park, on a sunny day, followed by a perfectly behaving dog.

We know that she suffers from severe depression, is unemployed, her husband left her, she’s foreclosing on her home and her kids divorced her. Soothing voice off camera tells us that “Trimbalta”,an anti-depressant, will help her if she doesn’t get dehydration, diarrhea, cancer, ulcers or if she doesn't commit suicide.

Now, seriously, come on… Does happiness come in a pill?.

Shopping

Ahhhh! …The Holidays…..It’s the most wonderful (shopping)time of the year, da-da-pum, da-da-pum.

Well, I don’t like shopping. However, sometimes it’s unavoidable. Once I go, the first part of the adventure is to find a parking place.

After driving around and around the parking lot, I see a happy family, loaded with bags, walking toward a mini-van. I rush to secure the catch.

As a good citizen I park my car on the side and wait. I turn my blinker on, wait a little longer and am thrilled that I found a parking place.

The “mini-vans” open all the doors and start planning how to make all the bags fit in the van. They talk, joke and try different options.

I’m grabbing the steering wheel with both my hands. My knuckles are white with anticipation. My forehead has sweat pearls on. The “mini-vans” don’t move.

The guy in back of me doesn’t yet realize that I own the soon-to-be free parking place and is blowing his horn to make me move.

Come on you !@#*&%”er, move! That’s just me, talking to myself

After five eternal minutes, the happy “mini-vans” depart and I finally take possession.

The adventure has just begun.

Cell phone etiquette

I was in a public building running some errands. The building was quite empty and
 I was lost in my own thoughts when I walked into the restroom which was also quiet.
While taking care of business, I jumped startled at the sound of a loud burst of laughter
coming from a stall. Needles to say it scared the bejesus out of me. I almost lost my aim!!!.

What followed was an animated conversation in Japanese which

I can’t transcribe for lack of space.

It makes me wonder what the proper etiquette for cell phone conversations in public spaces should be…

Starbucksian

I’m picky when it comes to coffee. I like Italian coffee: not to bitter, not to acidic, not elaborate or gimmicky, etc. That’s to say that I don’t particularly care for Starbucks.

However, in times of desperation, when I start dreaming about coffee and nothing else is available (Starbucks is pretty much in every corner anyway) I go there. What really bothers me is that I don’t speak Starbucksian….

If I order a small espresso with a drop of milk, the “barista” looks at me with pity and corrects me: “Oh you

 want a solo-caramel-piccolo-macchiato-latte-mini-caldo?”

Uhmmmm, yeah, I guess

Paper Cut

For some folks that like me still pay bills with checks (I
know, I know, I have to update myself….) there is danger lurking in the
envelopes that come along with the bills. They have to be licked, the old
fashion way, to seal them. But beware: a paper cut in your upper lip is a real
risk. Ask me. I have had a couple. Ouch!

On a plane 1

A friend volunteered this one during dinner last night. He was one of the first passengers to go on a plane. He was seating in coach on an isle seat for a long flight. He started to see the other passengers boarding. A very voluminous passenger was walking down the isle. My friend thought: I hope he's not seating next to me! To his relief, the passenger passed by. Uffff!, saved by the bell.



Two seconds later the guy comes back and signals that he's seating on the window seat. Well, my friend thought: I hope the middle seat remains empty. Few minutes later, a well developed body-builder with five feet wide shoulders walks down the isle. At this time only a prayer can help: Please God, don't let him seat next to me! God was busy doing something else and didn't hear his prayers...



Later on the body-builder went to the restroom and never returned. While disembarking, my friend moved over to allow the voluminous companion to get out of the seat row and he stepped on my friends foot...!